I don't get angry often. But last Tuesday at 4:17 PM, I got furious.
Dr. Sarah was on the phone, and I could hear her trying not to cry.
"I just got off with agency number seven," she said. "They're refusing to honor their guarantee. Again."
"What was their reason this time?"
"I posted our content at 3:18 PM instead of their recommended 3:17 PM. Apparently, that voids everything."
I'm not making this up.
"Garry, I've spent $72,000 on marketing guarantees. I have a drawer full of contracts. You know how many have actually paid out when we missed targets?"
I knew the answer.
"Zero," she whispered. "Not one."
That's when I got angry.
The Drawer of Broken Promises
Dr. Sarah sent me photos of all seven contracts that night. I stayed up until 2 AM reading them, getting progressively more frustrated.
Agency #1's "Guarantee": 30 qualified leads monthly
Reality: 30 clicks from randos, including someone looking for a pharmacy
Excuse: "They clicked, so they're qualified!"
Agency #2's "Guarantee": 300% visibility increase
Reality: Showed ads to people 2,000 miles away
Excuse: "We never specified local visibility!"
Agency #3's "Guarantee": 5% engagement rate
Reality: Mostly bots, staff, and her mom
Excuse: "Engagement is engagement!"
Each contract was a masterclass in weasel words. Legal loopholes. Creative definitions. Everything except actual protection for the practice.
The 2:30 AM Decision
I texted my business partner: "We need to talk. Tomorrow. About guarantees."
"It's 2:30 AM," he replied.
"I know. This is important."
The next morning, I showed him Dr. Sarah's contracts. His response was immediate:
"These aren't guarantees. They're fiction."
"Exactly. So let's create a real one."
"That's business suicide. What if practices fail?"
"Then we fail. But at least we'll fail honestly."
The Industry Secret Nobody Says Out Loud
Here's what every agency knows but won't admit:
They can't guarantee results because they don't control enough of the process. They run ads and hope. They generate "leads" and pray. They boost "visibility" and cross fingers.
When you're gambling with client money, you can't afford real guarantees.
But we weren't gambling. We had data from 200+ workshops. We controlled the entire system. We knew the math.
So we did something the industry called "insane."
We guaranteed actual revenue.
The Simple Truth
Our guarantee fits on a napkin:
- 10+ attendees, OR
- 5+ consultations, OR
- $5,000+ revenue
Miss all three? Free workshop.
No lawyer needed. No magnifying glass required. No creative interpretation possible.
When I showed it to Dr. Sarah, she stared at it for thirty seconds.
"This is it?"
"This is it."
"Where's the fine print?"
"There isn't any. You follow our system, we guarantee results. You don't hit benchmarks, we run another workshop free."
"But what about algorithm changes? Compliance requirements? Industry averages?"
"What about them? Either you get results or you don't. Everything else is just excuses."
She actually teared up.
Six Months Later
Dr. Sarah called me yesterday. Happy call this time.
"Just finished workshop number eight. $19,000 in revenue. You know what I did with all those old contracts?"
"What?"
"Framed them. They hang in my office bathroom."
I laughed. "Your bathroom?"
"It's where they belong. Every morning, I look at $72,000 worth of creative writing while brushing my teeth. Reminds me what guarantees should never look like."
The Thing That Still Makes Me Angry
It's been six months since that Tuesday afternoon call. I'm still angry.
Not at the agencies—they're just playing the game everyone accepts.
I'm angry that our industry normalized worthless guarantees. That practices like Dr. Sarah's are so used to being burned they expect it. That "guarantee" became a meaningless marketing term instead of actual protection.
Your RF/IPL device cost too much to bet on wordplay.
Your practice deserves better than creative writing.
Your trust is worth more than escape clauses.
See exactly how we exposed every guarantee scam (and what real protection looks like)
*P.S. - Dr. Sarah texted me this morning: "New agency called. They guarantee 'unprecedented brand awareness.' I told them I already have framed toilet paper, thanks."
Some lessons are worth $72,000.*
Garry Regier is the founder of PatientGrowthMachine™, specializing in helping optometrists and ophthalmologists unlock the full ROI of their RF/IPL technology through proven patient workshop systems. To learn if your practice qualifies for our "Until It Pays" guaranteed workshop system, schedule a Launch Strategy Call today.
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